Maturita funnies - 2019

And so, after another year's exams, I've had time to sift through the notes to 108 students to find some gems to share with you; some slips of the tongue, fumbles in the dark for the right word, and complete rewrites of history & geography :) 

Czech Republic is famous for its beer, but have you ever heard of 'Koala beers' & 'Polar beers'? 😕

You could 'crop a plant' instead of 'planting a crop'? 

One student gave us an excellent example of Czechglish, which he saw in a shop:

'OPEN FURT' 😂
(Furt means all the time)

Did you know that in Olomouc there are Baroque mountains? (as opposed to the many fountains that we do have!)

Guinness is a Scottish drink? 😦

Did you know George Orwell is Australian? 

We were also told that one tourist attraction has a 'beautiful point of view' (instead of a viewpoint)...however, I did like this little mix up 😉

Interestingly, we still have a topic called 'Czech Republic' - it hasn't been changed to 'Czechia', and to be honest, I haven't met a single Czech that calls it 'Czechia' - it seems to be a word that lay foreigners seem to like to use...because it's one word instead of two? 😏

Hollywood is now a city ...within Los Angeles? 😟

Another student told us about the famous skater...Tony Stark!

...but then she quickly realised that she'd been heavily influenced by the latest Avengers film, and she really meant Tony Hawk 😃

The 'Eye of London' made another appearance...

We were also told that Shakespeare lived in Avon-upon-Avon...which was probably when Stratford-upon-Avon had floods...?

True story! Apparently, there are some people in Olomouc who have chickens on their balcony...

...but it's not as odd as this one in London! 

You've heard of a Balrog...this is a Balcow! 😃

I did enjoy one bit of banter in role play during a State Exam, between a student & a colleague, discussing how much money they would need for a holiday:

Teacher: How much money should I take? 

Student: Probably all of it, because I spend a lot.

In another State Exam, a student was very observant to notice the cat sitting in the picture with an overweight man watching TV & eating snacks... "I see a cat in the picture, perhaps it's the man's TV Party buddy?"

In discussing world problems, in answer to 'What is the solution to over-population?', the student replied, 'Have another war.' 

Some students also exude self-confidence, and when finishing her introduction to the State Exam, one young lady said: 'If you would like to know more about me, I’d be happy to answer your questions.' 

And finally, one of my favourite stories was from a student who told us that at one point during his studies, he lived in a hotel room for 6 months. He described is as a wonderful experience to come home each day after school, and to find his room cleaned & bed changed regularly…When he eventually moved to his own flat, it was a bit of a shock to him to suddenly realise, after a couple of weeks, that perhaps he'd better do some cleaning up & change his bed! 😄

The Maturita Posts - The Complete Posts!

Weds 22nd May 2019...and the 3rd day finishes - & as requested by Kryštof Kolář, here are the details with a bit more style ;-)
The students stormed the bastions of SGO, some armed with knowledge, some flying by the seat of their pants, some overwhelmed with nerves at the sight of the warriors - guardians of the way to freedom. Battle was enjoined - sweat poured freely, nerves were jangled, but the afternoon ended with a hearty rejoicing for the English section, and sighs of relief were echoed in the corridors leading to the dungeons of Maths, and above the trapdoor to Physics...
ALL passed in ALL subjects, and perhaps they will ALL live happily ever after...

Thursday 23rd May 2019 - morning
:)...and the last morning of the first week finishes...
The pirates of the SGO (Seven Giant Oceans) tried to board the good ship Maturita, as dawn broke. Amed with cutlasses of sharp tongues, and some with even sharper wit & intelligence, and with daggers of trusty knowledge, they thought they might find the whole crew sleeping...but no! The valiant crew of the good ship Maturita were alert, and their cannons were loaded with tricky questions - one pirate found some biological seaweed on the deck, and threatened to slide off into the oblivion of deepest failure to the bottom of the sea, but bounced off another faltering pirate to safety...another found their match with the German crew member and was lucky to escape with all limbs intact...but sadly, one pirate fell overboard, and the deadly ZSV (Zombie Shark Viper) swallowed them up for it's 2nd feed of the week 😢...
However, the rest of the pirates made off with the booty that they sought, and sailed off into the distance with Maturita gold and doubloons...ah-haaarrrrr, me hearties!!

Thursday 23rd May 2019

:)...and the last afternoon of the last day of the first week of Maturita has finished...

Once upon a time, there lived some clever students in the land of Preparation, and they grew tired of the endless routine of preparing for this, and preparing for that, and preparing for whatever...although one or two loved to hang out in the nearby enclave of Procrastination. 
Then one day, they heard about the wonderful land of Get-a-life, where people did real things, which didn't involve studying & creating endless cheat slips for subjects that didn't concern them at all...oh, how they longed to go to Get-a-life!
But they were warned by a wise old man & woman (who also happened to be teachers of some kind...), that to get there, they had to pass by the land of SGO - also known as Students Get Out...the tales of this land terrified the poor students - tales of fearsome bone-breaking-crunching giants, wizards who cast awesome spells, and the frightening ZSV dragon... (Zoological Stupendous Vecordy - yes, that is a new word for you! ☺️☺️) - but they so much wanted to get to Get-a-life, that they studied even harder, kissing goodbye to Procrastination, and determined to leave the comforts of the Land of Preparation...
So, the day finally, came - and interestingly, it was today, and they went to the land of SGO....one student trod on the dragon's tail, but thankfully, he was fast asleep, having dined already on 2 unfortunate students...and one student tried to engage the Czech Ogre in some dodgy bedtime literature, but the Ogre became bored, and fell asleep before crushing the trembling student...but the rest of the students were SO clever on this glorious afternoon, outwitting the wizards of language, and the pixies of Geography & History...They fled the land of SGO, and headed for the wonderful land of Get-a-life...
But wait! The wise old man & wise old woman had not told them everything...there was a twist in this tale...they had neglected to mention the Void of University, where greater horrors than those survived today, do roam....
But that's another story... 

Monday 27th May 2019 - morning

...and the first morning of the 2nd week is over...to the tune of Baby Shark :)
4A passed...do-do-do-do-do-doo (repeat 2 more times), 4A passed (but a little splash in Czech, Czech, Czech, Czech, Czech, Czech!)
4B passed...do-do-do-do-do-doo (repeat 2 more times), 4B passed
8B8 passed...do-do-do-do-do-doo (repeat 2 more times), 8B8 passed!!
Run away, do-be-do-be-do-be-do (Frank Sinatra) (repeat 2 more times) - RUN AWAY!!
SAFE AT LAST!!! :D
Well done, everyone!

Monday 27th May 2019

...and the 'weather report' this afternoon's Maturita exams, was it the miserable drizzly depression that some students (and perhaps one or two teachers 😀) were forecasting..? Let's have a look...

In English there were lots of sunny spells, and a couple of students breezed through very freshly, and pleasant temperatures were enjoyed by everyone.
In Czech language, it was also a very amiable afternoon, with temperatures ranging from the low 20's, even to the high 20's.
Maths was mixed conditions, with moments of clear vision & clarity, but one or two periods of foggy spells, which soon lifted, to some student's relief.
Biology enjoyed a superb afternoon, with only one little cloud threatening to rain on the parade, but it passed without incident.
Physics also experienced some varied atmospheric conditions, as one would expect - some highs & lows, but nothing to worry about.
The rain in Spain didn't arrive, and it was pleasant time, with just a slight chill.
Geography & Art & I.T. were a walk in the park, enjoying the brilliant sunshine.
Social Sciences looked like a grim front moving in, but thankfully the threatened storm failed to materialise.
Chemistry enjoyed some warm temperatures, with only one brief drop.
All in all, it was a gorgeous afternoon, nowhere near as awful as some nay-sayers predicted, and it can be said that the future for many students is so bright that they have to wear shades 😎

Tuesday 28th May 2019

Word up...
Mr E is in da hous wi da Maturita newz ;-)
English was just excellent, dis is ow itz meant to be
2 b or not 2 b, the Czech literature guyz got wise, only a couple sweated for their lives
ZSV - da thingz about da world, enough to make some hairs curled, but dis day all prisoners escaped
Maths added up to number ONE, all the other numbers gone!
Biology wiv itz plants & bitz, was eazy peazy
Chemistry had some good reactions, but not as good as Maths & itz fractions
Spanish - hasta la vista, made someone's day
IT pressed all da rite buttonz
Geography had places to go - like the mountain topz
History repeated itzelf, again, and again
Datz da newz - dis iz de end
Mr E'z goin', goin', goin'....GONE!

Tuesday 28th May 2019

...this afternoon's Maturita exams loomed dark & foreboding. The skies darkened & the rain fell as the students wandered into the depths below, into the vast cavernous halls & corridors of Moria - the deep places of the teachers knowledge...for a while, the students walked carefully, with their lamps of knowledge, casting shadows on the questions that were arrowed at them in the dark...some reflected the light of joy as they found their way through some difficult obstacles...
Those gifted with a knowledge of the ancient tongue of men fared well, and found precious treasures...
Historians, and those blessed in alchemy & the ways of men, plants & beasts also found good fortune...
Those speaking the tongues of the Huns & the Moors were able to break the spells of those tongues.
Those who studied the ways & politics & philosophies of men found joy & danger, but were equipped with the enchanted shields to protect them from fatal harm.
Of those who had the maps showing the secret paths, one moved swiftly through to safety...but another so nearly fell into the Chasm of Doom, but managed to hang on by the skin of their teeth...and survived...
But in the deep darkness, something stirred...the Czech Balrog!!! Aie-aie-aie!!! Some ran uttering curses to freedom, others stumbled & sought refuge in the bowels of their memory, and survived...but one did not :( With no Gandalf at hand to help them...they did not pass :(
And the Physics Troll was in an equally murderous mood...one managed to flee, but another discovered that the law of the Physics Troll cannot be broken...and perished... :(

Here endeth today's saga...many continue to the Fair Havens beyond Moria...but for a couple...like Gandalf, they shall rise again

Wednesday 29th May 2019 - morningW;

-)...and this morning's events at Maturita...

Yee-hah! Well, the SGO students went a-huntin' today fer Maturita trophies to stick on them thar walls...
They were a-rootin' n' a-tootin', guns blazing - they took the English moose down - Maths raccoons were busted - the History wolves darn near took one o' them when they done wandered from the track, but they got off...
The Geography, Art & ZSV coyotes were nippin' at their heels, fer they surely smelled blood...but the hunters stayed together...
The Biology deer was caught in the cross-hairs & went down - students wuz happy as a lark...
The Physics pheasants were flushed out, shot down a-flyin'!
It seemed such a beautiful mornin' - corn as high as an elephant's eye! Whoopie-do!!
BUT...them darn Czech buffaloes came a stampedin' - n' one poor critter got crushed... :( Bit the dust...gone to the happy huntin' grounds in September... :(
But the rest of them students rode off into the sunset, a-hollerin' & yeehahin' 😜

Wednesday 29th May 2019

...and the results of this afternoon's Great Maturita Bake Off at SGO... ;-)

The students & teachers got together & served up some interesting dishes...Chemistry provided a fragrant & very smooth soup, Physics served up a couple of finger bites, though there was an edgy taste to them...Maths delivered some succulent steaks which were really well done, though a couple were under-cooked, though still edible...Czech language was a very juicy chicken in a rich sauce, though it caused a tiny bit of indigestion for one student...Biology served up an absolutely scrummy apple pie, with lashings of cream...Art provided some local cheese, which wasn't to everybody's taste...there was still room for a spicy German sausage, with added mustard...for those who were still hungry, ZSV & Geography combined to offer a delightful ice cream & fruit sorbet, though not everyone liked the kiwi fruit so much...there was then coffee from History, though opinions were mixed as to the quality of the beans involved in the brewing...and last, but certainly by no means least, English provided a Death by Chocolate Cake - everyone enjoyed the chocolatey bits hidden in the sponge, though one or two found it a bit heavy after being filled with all the other goodies that were on offer this afternoon.
All in all, a very satisfying afternoon, where students & teachers alike feasted well, and all went home with a smile on their face :)
Well done, everyone!

Thursday 30th May 2019 - morning

:D

:)...and the last morning of the final day of the Maturita exams has finished... ;-)
"Not my cup of tea," was a regular phrase today, as the students entered the Cafe Bar SGO & perused the various educational beverages that were on offer, served with panache & bottle juggling skill by the teachers.
A few decided to take their favourite tipples neat & smooth & went off, drunk with their success :)
Some decided to mix their drinks & therefore enjoyed (or endured) mixed fortunes - maybe one shot too much & they became heady with success, but then things went fuzzy... ;-)
And a couple went for the dangerous cocktail, mixing facts, fiction & sheer desperation, with a slice of lemon (or luck, depending on the flavour ;-)), and survived a wobbly moment of blurred vision, but thankfully didn't vomit any nonsense up...
And so everyone passed to get some proper refreshment...!!! :D
So, nobody went bottoms up, so we can say a hearty 'Cheers!' Enjoy the sweet taste of success, that comes bottled up from SGO - a vintage & mature flavour, with just a hint of the aroma of stale chewing gum, which some left under the desks! :P
Well done! Mr E

Thursday 30th May 2019

...and for this afternoon's final Maturita results, we join Flight SGO-4AB8B8 as it descends to it's final destination...
"Good evening, this is Captain Everill speaking. After a little turbulence this morning, we managed to hold a smooth line as we crossed the mountains of Difficulty, and the valleys of Self-Doubt, and we enjoyed splendid views of the River English, as it flowed fluently through the beautiful landscape - though some of you might have noticed one or two meanders, before it joined the River Czech in a tremendous confluence, which resulted in a very impressive spectacle.
Myself & the crew made sure the Maths & Physics all added up, and the rest is History.
The cabin crew were alert to any dangers, but in the end, time flew and before we knew it, what was distant on the horizon for so long is finally within range.
We're about to land, and all that remains for me is to congratulate the passengers of Flight SGO-4AB8B8, and to thank you all for giving us your full attention during the pre-flight safety drill, which has ensured your safe & successful journey.
On behalf of myself & the crew, we wish you all a pleasant life in the land beyond SGO, and please remember to take all of your belongings with you when you disembark.
Bye for now." :)

;-)

;-)

The Maturita Results Posts - A new way of doing things

During the last two weeks of May, I was examining with my colleagues during the Maturita exams. Over the last few years, I have done daily updates about the successes or otherwise of the exams, usually a few brief sentences. I do this mainly to share in the joy of success, but also to keep their classmates & friends up to date, and also for future students to be aware of any potential problems.
And this year was continuing in the same vein...and this was my entry for the Weds in the first week:
...and the 3rd morning is over, and ALL passed in ALL subjects :) !! Very well done, everyone - now go & have some fun 😊

And then this happened...one of my ex-students sent the following message:

This was a tremendous inspiration for me - a real 'kick up the butt' to be creative. However, doing the posts this was (as suggested above) meant I had to be discreet (being aware of GDPR & sensitive information etc), and also to try & use a different theme for each report...but it was a challenge that I threw myself into.




Kryštof Kolář Ok, this is getting quite boring. How about to make it a little bit more dramatic? I 
would like a statement like this: It takes great courage, or great madness, to challenge fate and try to conquer dungeons of this unholy citadel of forbidden knowledge. Brave heroes and foolhardy alike, armed with both sharp steel and esotheric artifacts dared inside this day. Fighting mad scholars and their foul servants, some evoked unthinkable bloodbath, like a rabid fox in a hen house. Rampaging beyond reason, beyond sanity, those brought back glittering gold, trinkets and baubles. Some ran away with only their bare lives and fatal wounds stinging with mockery and dishonor, resolve faded, doomed to eternity. Some were massacred, obliterated, sacrificed upon the altar of death itself. The one true battlefield of valor, murder and ruin, an ephemeral monument to death and glory!

I had some good & positive feedback from some students, both on-line & face-to-face during the exams, who were very appreciate of the way that I did it. Indeed, one student thought I must have been on drugs! 😂The truth is, I was under time pressure most of the time - after the morning session, during my short lunch break...and for the evening report, after my supper & before I could relax & unwind & have some time with my wife...but I always managed to get an idea.
Indeed, it was my lovely wife who suggested that I should compile everything together into one post - which will be the next post after this!
I hope you enjoy them...and I will need some fresh ideas for next year! 😁