The best vase to have a sheet on the beach...

Learning English is made difficult for Czechs because we don't have those little accents & funny little shapes above our letters to emphasize, or at least give a clue, that the word should sound a certain way. An amusing example of this was provided recently in one of my seminars.

One young man was telling us a story about an accident he had at work. He was a waiter, and he was laying a table...
'And I put a ways on the sh*t...' 
'You did what?!!'
'I put a ways on the...'
'Ways?'
Yes, you know, for flowers.'
'Ah ha! A vase!' (I quickly scribbled it on the blackboard...oh, the perils of American English!)
'So, I put the vase on the sh*t...'
(Cue uncontrolled laughter from his classmates.)
'Sheet! I think you mean 'sheet'!'
'...and I accidentally pulled the sheeeet and the ways fell on the floor...' Remembering this video - 

I quickly added that I'm glad it didn't happen on a beach :-)

A first, for me, in Czech Republic!

Well, it's been a while since I wrote something - there have been stories, for sure, and I hope that I can remember them all, but in truth it has been a VERY busy term - planning lessons, preparing tests, marking tests & essays, also some other teaching that I'm involved in...oh yes, and I have actually got a life outside of school too :-) And that has also been interesting, as well as busy!

A few weeks ago, I met an old friend for a drink. We wanted to go to 'The Pub With No Name' - sounds a bit like the kind of pub that Clint Eastwood (famous in his Spaghetti Westerns as 'The Man With No Name') would hang out in.

It's just off Kateřinská, not far from the Market...a little side street, on the way to the Court Offices...and there it is, on the corner. Just a sign for beer, but - no name!

It's a very small pokey pub, as we say in England - but the beer is very good!

So, in we went, and my friend ordered 2 beers...
'We have no beer?'
'I'm sorry...did you say you have NO beer?'
'Yes. No beer. I can offer you wine or non-alcoholic beer.'
'Are you serious? This is a pub in Czech Republic, and you have NO beer?'
'Yes, I'm sorry, but the beer will not be delivered until 5.00pm.' (It was 3.30pm)
'I think we'll go somewhere else, thanks.'

And so we went to find another pub, where sanity reigned and beer was on tap!
A Czech pub without beer?

It's a bit like:
England without tea
France without croissants
Germany without sausages
A chip shop without chips!

This is certainly a first for me, and for my friend too...has anyone else ever experienced this?! :-)

Ya canna change the laws of physics...!!!

One of my ex-students popped into English Club last week. It was good to catch up, and he is sure to have a funny true-life story to tell, and I was not disappointed. I have his permission to relate the following story in his own words...

"On my way back to Olomouc, I was waiting for the n. 17 bus to take me from the university campus to the main station in Pardubice. There were a lot of students at the bus station. It was Thursday and many students, like me, were headed home. When the bus finally arrived, the driver did not open the front door. Why? I don´t know. Everybody pushed inside, trying to get a seat. I was, as usual, late, so the only place left in that bus was behind the middle door. I did not have my ticket and there was no way of getting to the driver because of the crowd of people in my way. The driver closed the door and rolled out.

Suddenly, the woman next to me, asked me for my ticket. She looked like an ordinary passenger, so I asked her why. She replied that she was an inspector, and again she asked me to show her my ticket. I tried to explain my situation to her, but her only answer was "I don't care. Show me your identity card then." I took a deep breath and tried it again. "Madam, how am I supposed to get to the driver when there are so many people in my way and the front door remains closed?" Again, the same answer. All right you dumb lady, I thought, one more time: "Madam, do you understand the basics of physics? People are like liquid, you know, they are incompressible." But the lady was like a robot, and again she gave the same apathetic answer, The only change was that she asked me whether she should call the police or not.

I exploded like Mount Vesuvius in the year 79 a.d., bringing down inferno on the city of Pompeii, in this case on the traffic inspector. "Do you know the difference between people who understand physics and those who don´t? No? Well I will tell you. The first ones are engineers, the others are inspectors in public transport!" She turned red almost immediately. "Young man, do you think you are funny? Well, that´s 800 crowns for not having a ticket and another 400 for insulting a public official!" After that I concluded that only two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. I took my identity card and with an expression on my face of "We will meet again!", went into the hall of the main station."

I was relating this story to family in Nymburk on Saturday, and one of them told me another story...
A friend of his boarded a tram in Prague. He was accosted by a ticket inspector, so he pulled out his ticket...but it was an old one, used and out of date. The inspector then threw the ticket out of the window and said, 'That ticket was invalid, it's of no more use!' The friend then asked the inspector for their pass, to prove that they were an inspector. The inspector produced it from his pocket, whereon the friend snatched it from his hand and and threw it out of the window and said, "And you are no longer an inspector!"

Tales from the classroom...

Here is a selection of some of the more amusing & interesting stories that I hear during my lessons...

Ricardo and his amazing jackets:
Whilst discussing fashion, Ricardo enlightened us as to why he began to wear jackets to school a few years ago. Indeed, he is quite noticeable because he's one of the few students, if not the only one, who can ever be seen in a jacket outside of going to the Ball or a Maturita Exam ;-) The reason is...pockets! Ricardo seems to have a pocket for everything he will need during the course of a regular school day, and the more pockets there are, the better. His collection of jackets has stopped at 2, and he seems satisfied with that. And the morning he told us this story, he really did have something in every pocket - I almost expected him to pull a rabbit or a dove out at some point...or even one of those never-ending scarfs!! :-)

I've rather do Russian... :
Another student told me that because of their aversion to a certain English teacher & their particular style of teaching, they are seriously considering taking Russian in the Maturita Exam!! :-O I am still trying to persuade them out of this madness - there is time, so there is hope.

Meanwhile in Dagestan... :
Another student, when discussing his future hopes for a family, told us that he is thinking about going to Dagestan, because not only can you find a wife fairly easily there...you can find two...maybe more?! :-) Dagestan is a far off place, just west of Georgia...quite remote. Some students felt that one wife was quite enough...

Collective Passivity:
"Our obligation is to give meaning to life, and in doing so, to overcome the passive and indifferent life." So said Elie Wiesel (a Jew who lived through the concentration camps)... And clearly this statement applies to one class (who shall remain nameless ;-) ) - for they are surely the MOST passive class I have ever met in my 8 years at this school. Collective passiveness is stifling, suffocating...it is a challenge which I have accepted. In the words of the B52's - we 'have to dance this mess around' ;-)  

Food, glorious food! :
This week with one class, we will be taking the subject of Cooking and Eating to a new level - it will be a practical lesson & each student will bake or cook something & bring it to share to the lesson. The idea is that they will describe how they made their food (ingredients etc), and of course, then we will fill our faces with all sorts of goodies :-)

The Shepherd who came back from the war...:
So the story goes, as one student related the life he would like to have lived, if he had been born in another country, perhaps at another time. A soldier, tired of all the killing and bloodshed, drops out of society and goes to a land far away and begins another life as a simple shepherd. He finds a wife, who interestingly has no tongue, and he lives an idyllic life for the rest of his days - tending his sheep in the silence and solitude of the mountain pastures... (This was an excellent example of story-telling in English - fun, and creative!) 

I find over the years that the more open I am with my own stories, the more I get back from the students :-)

Class names of 2014 - 2015...with some images :-)

Here are the names for this year's classes, and as you can see, there are some interesting choices :-) And I also managed to find some suitable images too :-) Hope you enjoy them!

CRAZY BANANAS - 3rd year seminar 

NUCLEAR PLUMS - 2Aj 3rd year seminar 

LOVELY DEELY BOPPERS - 3Aj1 4th year seminar 

FLUFFY ALIENS - 3Aj2 4th year seminar 

FUNKY MANATEES - 4A Aj1 

TIHELKOVA'S VICTIMS - 4A Aj2 

SHY CHICKENS - 4Aj 4th year Seminar 

PAPRIKA IN AFRIKA - 4B Aj1 

CAPTAIN'S CREW - 4B Aj2 

CAPTAIN DISNEY'S PRINCESSES AND JEDIS - 5AF Aj1 

DIVERGENT - (we can't be controlled) 5AF Aj2 

THE GODS - 6AF Aj1 

THE PINK CATS - 6AF Aj2 

SLICED BREAD - 8A8 Aj1(previously Awesome Guys) 

FALCON LOVERS - 8A8 Aj2 previously COOL (WO)-MEN 

SPARKLING UNICORNS - 8B8 Aj1 (previously 16 JAILMEN) 

QUICK SNAILS - 8B8 Aj2 (previously BRAVE AVATARS) 

CHERNOBYLLIES 2Aj1 4th year seminar 

CONFIDENT JELLYFISHES 4th yr seminar 

PERSISTENT LOSERS 4th yr seminar 

ULTIMATE SHARK KILLERS 1Aj1 seminar 

At the car wash, baby...

Yesterday, a student told us a story about how she drove her company car (for her part-time job) into the car wash...and forgot to wind the window up! This resulted in a very wet interior, and, I imagine, an unhappy boss. 

It reminded me of a story told by Jeff Lucas, a funny Christian writer, in one of his books.

In that particular story, a lady was in a very luxurious car, leather interior etc, and she had electric windows - the car wash began, and she realised one of the windows was open - she tried to close it, but it didn't work. However, her improvisational abilities were working very quickly and she managed to block the window - using her bottom! :-) The result? A dry interior, but a very wet bum.

I advised my students to do likewise in future. It's great to be able to teach on such practical matters, and not just about English!

Time for a song...

The Toothpaste Tube time...

Well....that's what it has felt like since I last wrote! It has been SO busy... Much as I love writing, and despite my good intentions in wanting to blog regularly, it has just not been possible. In starting a new school year (my 9th at this school, and thus extending my record of being in ANY job for so long!), I have felt like a toothpaste tube, squeezed from all sides...squeezed by the pressures of getting lessons plans done, actually planning those said lessons, working with new classes (back with the students who are preparing for Maturita next year), having to learn to teach in different styles/ways in order to get the best out of a group...as well as living a normal life outside of school!

And I've also been to Wurzburg this last weekend, to prepare for next year's ISLI...in my fairly new capacity as European Director! There has been a LOT going on.

And a lot going on also means LOTS of good stories, which I will try to relate in this period as my teaching life begins to settle into a more manageable rhythm. 

As I reflect on this recent month, I am once more reminded of a truth that I have learnt in life - that when the pressures come, you find out what's inside the 'tube'...and I have been amazed at my capacity (thank God!) to cope with the many demands that have come my way. And it certainly gets the adrenaline flowing! 

And once more I'm confident that I belong in this job - that I still have something to offer to young people as they push the boundaries of their knowledge of English (and drag those who are drowning, to the surface of coherence!). This is the BEST job that I've ever had - really :-)

You are not a loser!

A new term has begun, and already some students have either been told, or feel, or believe that they are not good enough - that they are a loser. Not a good thing to believe for the rest of your school year, let alone your life!

So in order to encourage you, dear reader, I will share a little story with you that I do with most of  them at the end of the first lesson.

Once upon a time, your mommy & daddy got together (to represent this, I draw a sperm and an egg on the blackboard - it's not long before someone smiles at the recognition of such a basic image!) – and they made you… Now, the amazing miracle is that there was one egg, and there were millions of these sperm…but only one sperm made it to the egg. Only one touched down! And that sperm was YOU! Your sperm won! 

So, remember this – you are NOT a loser! You are a winner! 

I told this story on Friday, and it was really great to see one girl punch the air when she realised this wonderful truth :-)

Bits and pieces....

Some bits and pieces from today...snippets, we call them ;-)

One student told me they'd read the beginning of this blog (which began in August 2010, so it's been going 4 years now!), and watched 'Inception' because of my recommendation...and they were not disappointed. 

Today was a day for nicknames...I met Domez, Koukalkola (who could easily have become Koukalkoolabear :-)!!), my old friend Tykev (who is too clever for all of her classmates), and Kollme Maybe ;-) 

I had surprise gift - a box of home-made chocolates!! Awesome, and very scrummy!! :-)

Thursday is my longest day, and at the end of it, I felt quite tired. After 2 months of holidays, I'm reminded that it's just as hard for teachers to get back into the groove as it is for students ;-)

One student decided to 'jump ship' from the History seminar to the English one. 

One seminar was enough to convince him ;-) However, it now puts the group up to 19 (mixed levels too), which is too high a number for a conversation group....but it's not my choice to do the seminars like that :-(

Look-a-likes :-)

Today I had my first lessons :-)
I feel like a lion that has been caged for a long time, finally free at last to roam and devour Czech speaking students...only those who speak English can survive! :-)

In one seminar, I was talking with a student, and she mentioned her boyfriend, who happens to be an ex-student...actually, this one ;-)

(Habil, also known as 'Superman' ;-) )

It reminded me that during the World Cup in the summer, I was struck by Habil's resemblance to this man:

(Luis 'Jaws' Saurez)

Or maybe it's just me... ;-)

However, that also reminded me of some other look-a-likes...like this one:

(Marek Pelcl)                                                            (Captain Black - from 'Captain Scarlet)

Or maybe this one reminds students of someone?

Perhaps you know some too?

So, beware...I've got my eye on you! ;-) And maybe I remind you of someone...? If so, I'd be happy if you let me know...

An invitation to a ketchup...

When learning another language, it is sometimes difficult to find the correct word - the one that fits, that makes perfect sense to the listeners. And if you choose the wrong one, it can sound quite amusing :-) Such an instance occurred today...

A student was trying to talk about making a sauce in a recipe. They said, "...and then you invite the ketchup." Of course, what they wanted to say was, "...and then you add/put in ketchup", but it can be so hard to find just the right word in the pressure of the moment.

However, for an Englishman, this sentence conjures up some interesting images...

Or perhaps even a letter/e-mail:
Dear Ketchup, 
You are cordially invited to participate in my meal tomorrow evening. It would be very convenient if you could make an appearance about 7.00pm. Don't be sparing. Spread yourself around a bit, and don't complain if I squeeze too hard.
Yours faithfully